One step, two step...

So, I was feeling a bit down and out. This is mostly because I'm tired and haven't been able to do much. But, then on Thursday, my husband agreed to go walk with me. So, when he got home from work, we packed up the family, baby in the cuddly wrap, Sebastian in the Chariot (his wagon), dog on a leash, and headed out the door. It was cool and windy, but it was so nice to be out and about. I came home feeling fantastic!! 

Then, came Friday. I decided to do a few things: get Sebastian a haircut, renew the registration on the car, deposit some cheques, go for lunch, order more cloth diapers, get a new health care card for someone (Sebastian's card went through the laundry), etc. I did a few things at home, and then Sebastian, Sullivan and I headed out, on foot (well, I had the stroller for Sebastian, and Sullivan was in the cuddly wrap again). It was great. We did tons of walking, probably about 5km in all, with all the stops. I was sooooooo happy!! 

Now, onto Saturday, we walked to the gym in the morning for Sebastian and Jeremy's class. Then later, when we needed a few groceries, I decided to just walk over to the grocery store. I was so glad because they say that most car trips are for 5 miles or less, and for two days in a row, I managed to walk to get my little projects done. 

It feels great adding this exercise to my life. Three more weeks until it is running, but in the meantime, we'll be getting in reasonable shape if I can keep up some of this walking!!

P.S. And the cloth diapers. I am very excited about this. We had a few that we had been trying, and were quite happy with the trial, so bought some more, and bought some bigger ones. It is a bit of an investment, but it is so nice not just throwing out diapers every day. So, we'll keep at it and hopefully it goes well, but so far so good!!

Where is my happy place...

I am counting down the days until I can start running again. I really miss that, a lot. Like really a lot. I need to be able to go outside and just enjoy the air and the feeling of being free. I want to feel my heart working hard. I even want to be on the treadmill just loving the feeling of my body working. I miss that so much. I really need that right now too.

I am tired. I am exhausted. Sometimes my new little guy just won't settle down. Most of the time he's great, but heading into nighttime, he is sometimes just unsettled and that is frustrating. Last night, we tried everything to settle him, and it took almost 3 hours. And then, he was up again 15 minutes later. I know this is just part of the process of having a new baby, but it's soooooooo tiring. I need to have that outlet that running provides so I can get my head sorted out again. And so that I can believe that I am actually cut out to be a mom. 

I'm not really a baby person. I don't go gaga at the sight of a baby. If I go to a shower for someone, I don't have any need to actually hold the baby. I think I'm missing part of that mothering instinct. I can't hear the difference in my baby's cries like the lady on Oprah was trying to teach a few years ago. I just try the typical stuff, and when it doesn't work, I just try all the same stuff again. Even my husband is better at some of this stuff than me. Oh well, I know it will all become routine soon. But in the meantime, I am excited to run again, only 3 more weeks and I should get the go ahead. 

In the meantime, I will try and exist in my zombie like state and continue to crave sleep, which I should get again, in about 10 years or something!!

Celebrating the first week...

It's Friday and I'm proud to say that I made it through a whole week of being on my own with two kids. The first couple days were very very tiring, but yesterday was pretty good. Wednesday night I actually got a fair bit of sleep. The one time I had troubles settling down the baby, my knight in shining armour galloped in on his horse to save me (or, in other words, Jeremy came and took over). I think I was asleep before my head even hit the pillow, and then the baby didn't wake up for another 3 hours, so there were two blocks of about 3 hours of sleep, it's amazing what that sleep did for me!!

So, time to celebrate some of my little successes this week. 

-Sullivan is a pretty easy going baby and aside from a bit of mix up with days and nights, he generally settles well and is just content to be. 

-My earlier issues with my chest have resolved themselves and I'm no longer in pain from that (thank goodness cause that was really no fun!!)

-Sebastian is the best little helper. He'll grab diapers, wipes, blankets, whatever I ask him to, and he's so proud of himself doing it. 

-Reading. I'm actually making a point of reading and loving it. Granted it's not huge amounts of reading, but it's parts of book and for that I'm grateful!!

-A playdate!! Sebastian had a playdate yesterday with his friend Edan and it was so cute. They actually played trains, playdoh, aquadoodle, helped make some muffins, banged on the keyboard, and played upstairs. It was great. I mean, there were a few tears shed as well, but the fact that they actually played with each other was great, and Sebastian was so excited to have someone there to play with him. So thanks Cindy for coming over (because I appreciated having someone to visit with too!!)

-I made muffins, and dinner. Jeremy is always so quick to take over the dinners, but yesterday, I actually made corn chowder, and it was super tasty. I love making soups, a lot!! 

-And, sort of got the house in somewhat of an order and cleaned before the playdate. It wasn't perfect, but hey, I'm running on very little sleep, even on a good day!!

Okay, so they aren't huge milestones or anything, but it was a good week. I had fun hanging out with Sebastian and trying to do things with him while the baby slept etc. We read lots of stories, and new ones to boot!! I am still not driving. The roads suck and I'm post surgery anyways, so I really shouldn't be driving. I'll give it one more week, and then get back to that part of my life. Although, packing up two kids will require a little more effort, and at the moment, that just seems daunting!!

The first test...

So, now that I am fairly recovered from my surgery, it's time to see if I can actually handle being a mom to two kids at the same time. Jeremy ended up taking the whole week off last week, as I was too afraid of being on my own, but he goes back tomorrow morning. I should be able to handle it, I hope. As well, I also had my mom in town helping out, and other friends, relatives etc. Before, I was still getting past my insides hurting so much, that I just didn't want to be alone trying to care for baby and toddler. I am not supposed to be lifting more than my baby, so that will be the hardest challenge. Last time, the baby was in the hospital, so it wasn't really a concern. This time however, I have the baby and the toddler (who is very cuddly sometimes and wants to be picked up). It should be interesting, and a real test of whether or not I'm truly cut out for this. Oh, and I forgot to mention the dog, because he can be a bit needy at times as well!!

Anyhow, that's all. Just hoping I survive tomorrow!!

Now back to your regular scheduled program...

I am so happy. Life has been tough this last week, but things are almost back to normal, at least as far as I am concerned. After a really rough start to my recovery, I finally feel human again. It's fantastic!! The last two days I have been walking more, and moving more and no longer feel like I was run over by a very heavy truck. It's great!! And, it's especially good for Sebastian. I think one of the toughest parts of the surgery, was how rough my insides were feeling, and as a result, cuddling with Sebastian has been challenging. Now though, that my insides are pretty much feeling normal again, I can cuddle with him and not worry for his two year old quick movements. And, it's made a difference for him as well, since now we're back reading stories, eating snacks etc. 

Today was Sullivan's first appointment with his doctor. It went well. He has already regained the weight that he lost since being born, and is now weighing in at about 9 pounds, which is the 90th percentile, and for length, he's at the 95th percentile. It is so completely the opposite of Sebastian, who, even when you adjusted his age by three months, was not even on the chart for weight, and barely on the chart for length at the same age.

So, as of today, I am once again, excited by what life has to offer. Suddenly the idea of being able to run again doesn't seem so hard to believe (ask me 5 days ago and I truly wondered if I'd ever run again, uuuggghhhh). I love being positive and excited for life, and when you are feeling down and out, and physically not doing great, it's very hard to be excited. My heart goes out to people who are ill and battling tough diseases. I mean, I was only down and out for not even a week, yet was already losing some of my zest. People who are constantly fighting an illness and being positive are amazing. It definitely takes work.

If you want to read about a family with a preemie, who has been in the hospital over 200 days now, check out this link: Kayleigh's Story. Their little daughter has faced many battles already, and they almost lost her on more than one occasion, yet through it all, the parents remain remarkably positive. Sebastian had a tough go at the beginning of his NICU stay, but soon became a feeder and grower and was only in the hospital for 72 days. Little Kayleigh has been in the hospital more than 6 months and still has a few months to go. So, if you pray, or send out positive energy or anything like that, please keep this family in mind. They are making the most out of a very tough situation!!

Groceries changed everything...

So, since having Sullivan, my body has been going through all sorts of stuff. I know this is very typical, and I have to say, I haven't been enjoying that side of things as much. Yesterday however, I experienced a glimmer of hope. 

My mom has been coming over to help out with things, and my husband has been here as well. It's been great with my mom here, because we keep having these appointments to go to and having her here let's Jeremy take me to the appointments while still having someone around to watch Sebastian. So, yesterday was no exception. We had another appointment to check on the jaundice levels of little Sullivan (since the day before they were too high). 

Well, in between dealing with Sullivan's issues, of course, has been my recovery. It has been a bit of a bumpy road. I will just quickly go over that, since I hate to dwell on negatives, but in order to understand how great groceries are, I have to mention life before groceries.

I am not big into hospitals and surgery and all that stuff. I mean, I know most people aren't, but I am definitely not a big fan. Last time, I think the stress of whether or not Sebastian would make it, covered up most of the recovery, ironic since I was also healing a broken leg at the time. So, fast forward to last Friday. I wasn't overly excited about having to have surgery. I had been given the preview the day before at the hospital's c-section orientation thing. As much as I want to know what's happening, the beauty of Sebastian's birth was I had no time to stress or anything because it all happened so fast. 

This time, all the OR stuff happened, and I knew exactly what I was getting into. I felt nausea almost from the moment the spine was infiltrated. The doctor was great though, and was soon giving me meds to combat the nausea. I remember lying on the table, before Jeremy was allowed to be with me thinking "30 minutes, just let 30 minutes go by and the worst of this will be over". Once Jeremy was at my side, things were better. I was still a bit of an emotional basketcase, but hey, I had a whole new set of emotions that I never got last time. Okay, so post surgery, I end up with nausea, that will not let go. I was throwing up quite regularly (I know, details you don't need). But, I'm not a puke sort of person, so it was rough, not to mention the part where your abdomen is all sensitive, and going through those motions don't help. Then, because of all the nausea, I wasn't able to get the catheter out since I wasn't keeping anything down. Then, I couldn't get up and walk around because it just made me sick. It all just compounded everything. 

Then, they sent me home after two days. I was in rough shape. Then the whole milk coming in thing. Let's just say my breasts are still trying to recover from that. Super huge amounts of pain (oh so fun!!). Walking around was painful for my abdomen. I had a two year old that was upset I couldn't pick him up and cuddle with him the way we do, and I was scared having him too close because he was not so gentle around me!! 

And then yesterday, Jeremy took me to the health clinic to double check on Sullivan and his jaundice. Things were improving huge on that front, which was nice. Then they checked my chest, and she was alarmed by it, and had another girl come check on it. Lovely, all these people examining my chest. Good thing I take the approach that, if a guy can show off his chest, so can a girl because in the last 6 days, the number of people examining me and touching my chest has been huge. But oh well, I go in again today for more of that fun.

Well, after the appointment, we had to stop and get wipes. It's amazing how many you go through when you have two kids!! We stopped at Sobey's and I went inside with Jeremy. We picked up a few groceries. But, the most amazing part, was that for the first time, walking around actually felt good. I was still moving super slow, but I was making huge progress. Huge. I wanted to be walking around. It didn't absolutely wipe me out. It was such an awesome feeling, after 5 days of pure yuckiness, to actually, for a brief moment, feel normal again. 

So, although I am not yet healed, not by any means, I feel like I truly turned a corner yesterday. Like the worst part is now behind me. I know it will still take a bit, but hey, to actually have felt pretty good was just so nice. And, as each day goes by, things get a bit better, but wow, yesterday I actually felt human again. And I loved it. So, even though I couldn't carry any of the groceries into the house, or my baby in the carseat, I was still able to walk around and pick out a few things we needed. Yippee!! So, thank goodness for grocery shopping, because it truly made me feel human again!!

Second Baby, full of firsts!!

So, on Friday, we welcomed our new son Sullivan into the world. He is our second child, yet after having a very sick preemie the first time around, we got to experience many firsts that we didn't have with Sebastian. So, as I recover (and it hasn't been that pretty so far), I want to marvel at the new experiences we got to enjoy with Sullivan.

-going to the hospital to have him on his agenda (well sort of, it was a scheduled c-section), rather than because the baby was in distress and might not make it if he didn't get delivered ASAP

-hearing him cry when he was delivered. This also made me cry. It was almost unreal to me that a whole new person suddenly existed and we could hear him squawk, and wow, he has quite the set of lungs on him too!!

-getting to see the baby right away after he was born. Jeremy got to get him and hold him and bring him over for me to see straight away. With Sebastian, the nurse stopped for a brief moment to hold him up as he was whisked off to the NICU (and only because Jeremy asked them to at least let me see him)

-getting to cuddle with the baby in the recovery room. After the very rough ride (not a fan of nausea), Jeremy brought our son into the recovery room and we just got to hang out as a family

-getting a private room and taking our son with us to the room. That was a nice bonus, especially appreciated since I was quite sick afterwards

-having the baby in the room with me. Last time, the baby wasn't even on the same unit and all I had was a polaroid picture to look at

-didn't have to pump right away, but rather the baby got to breastfeed right away. 

-leaving the hospital with the baby. I know, that seems like a silly one, but as the mom of a preemie, I was discharged way before Sebastian ever was, so it was rather unreal to pack up myself and the baby and leave at the same time!!

So, those were just some of the things that have come to mind. I know there are more. It's been neat being home with Sullivan and watching Sebastian's curiosity about his little brother. Yesterday, he asked to hold him for the first time. We'd made this offer to him previously, but he wasn't interested, yet yesterday, he was ready, and it was so sweet to watch him!! 

I have to say, I'm glad we had the kids in the order that we did. Having a baby in the NICU isn't easy, but it certainly would have been much harder if the second baby needed to stay in the hospital trying to juggle a toddler at home. As well, we learned a lot having Sebastian, and the protocols for letting you take your child home are a lot stricter from NICU. We had to watch videos, and show the nurses all the skills they were teaching us. And, getting breastfeeding going with a preemie is a challenge, however, having gone through all that once, I knew when I was running into roadblocks this time around and was able to fix things right away. Very neat!! 

So, I will continue in recovery mode for a few more days. Need to get well so I can do more with Sebastian when the baby is sleeping. 

Surgery Day...

Today I go in for surgery to have our second son. I'm a little scared and nervous, but that's because I am a bit of chicken when it comes to that stuff. But, I am reminding myself, in about 6 hours, it will all be behind me!! And really, marathons are harder than surgery, right? Goodness knows I am on the race course longer than the average c-section!! Although I am thinking the recovery time might be just a little shorter for a marathon!! Oh well, when all is said and done, and I'm recovered from this surgery, I get to run again, and for that, I can hardly wait!!

How to get inspired for 2009...

I love being inspired. I have to admit, I am some what of a self-help junkie, but not the typical self-help stuff. I like the ones that really try and improve you or inspire you to follow your dreams. So today, I thought I would put together a list of books and blogs that truly inspire me. 

1. O Magazine. This magazine is always full of good stuff. Articles that make me think and want to be a better person. I love the variety, the book suggestions, and just the general style of the magazine. I nearly always come away from the magazine having gained something and January's issue is no exception. I was most impressed however, with Oprah talking about how she has gained weight again. She was so open and honest about it, and for someone in her position to be willing to open up like that is huge. I admire her for being human and going through life's ups and downs. I hope her attempts at a healthier life are successful for 2009. I know she is inspiring me to be successful!!

2. You Can Do It - The Merit Badge Handbook for Grown-Up Girls by Lauren Catuzzi Grandcolas. It's basically a book of badges that you can earn, in all sorts of different areas. Learn to take a really good picture, go parachuting. There's all kinds of stuff in there, basically encouraging you to follow your dreams.

3. How To Think Like Leonardo da Vinci by Michael J Gelb. It's a book full of exercises designed to expand your mind, develop your senses and try new things. It's fantastic and you learn a lot about one of humanities greatest thinkers as well. 

4. Simplify Your Life - 100 Ways to Slow Down and Enjoy the Things That Really Matter by Elaine St James. There are all sorts of decluttering type suggestions for various facets of life. It's a great jumping off point for making life about what really matters.

5. 1000 Places to See Before You Die by Patricia Schultz. I love travelling and there are so many cool places I'd like to see. I have a list, but it seems to get longer every year. Luckily, I have been able to accomplish some of my goals, like walking across the Golden Gate Bridge. Silly, I know, but it was really neat to do!! The website has great stuff on it too. 

6. The Beginning Runner's Handbook by Ian MacNeill and The Sport Medicine Council of British Columbia. It's a great book for anyone who has ever wanted to start running. It was designed for people who have either never run, or who haven't run in awhile. It's great. It reduces the likelihood of injuries by slowly building running into a program. I intend to use it in about 5 or 6 weeks, whenever I get the all clear to start exercising again after my surgery. 

7. Zen Habits. It's a fantastic blog with ideas to make your life simple and more productive. It's written by a guy who used to be overweight and smoke, and has since become a vegetarian who no longer smokes and now runs marathons. It's very inspiring. My husband actually found this blog and I've been addicted ever since, and one of the most recent posts "The Single Secret To Making 2009 Your Best Year Ever" was fantastic. I highly recommend you check it out. 

8. Marc and Angel Hack Life. This is another website about productive living. They have had all sorts of neat posts. Books you should read before you turn 30, things to do before you have kids, questions to ask yourself every Sunday, really good stuff, and it just makes you inspired to want to do things. 

9. On The Night You Were Born by Nancy Tillman. Okay, this gives away the fact that my life often revolves around my 2 year old, but it's a great book. It's all about different things in nature that happened on the night you were born (geese honking, lady bugs staying, bears sleeping in the zoo etc). It makes you appreciate these small things and, in our case, the book brings tears to my eyes nearly every time I read it, because our son's beginning was so rocky and he really is a miracle, and this book makes sure that I don't forget it. 

10. Only In Dreams by Parker Jacobs. It's another kids book, but it's all about how when you dream, you can do anything you want and be anything you want. And really, maybe some dreams might be a little too imaginative to really happen, but it can be a true springboard for following your dreams when you wake up too!!

So, there's some things to get you inspired and following your dreams for 2009. I'll be posting my goals one of these days, but want to do a little more soul searching first (actually, life is sort of busy with our impending arrival, and I'll use my time in the hospital to sort out some of my goals for this year). So, have fun checking out these books and blogs. They are certainly worth your time!!

5 more sleeps...

So, I have five more sleeps until we welcome the newest member of our family. It amazes me that in 5 days, an entire new person will exist in our family. Last time, we never really got to enjoy getting excited for the new addition. Sebastian was born at 28 weeks, and whether or not he was going to survive were bigger concerns. He was so sick, and delivered so suddenly, that we never had a chance to prepare for anything. 

This time, has been a completely different story. And now, as we near the end, it just blows me away that we've made it this far!! I mean, the road hasn't been exactly smooth, but still, here we are, one day shy of being 38 weeks pregnant and I couldn't be happier. Sebastian is excited for his little brother and people around us are excited for us. It's neat that this journey took a somewhat normal course this time around. 

However, having said that, I must confess, that I'm a little scared for Friday. I don't really like the whole part where I have to have surgery, major abdominal surgery at that. I didn't have the option as trying to go the natural way was putting me at too high of a risk. Yet, the c-section is not all roses and butterflies either. I'm not a huge fan of needles, yet I'll be having some on Thursday, and then Friday I get the IV one as well as the one in the spine (especially not excited for that one). Then, they will cut into me to get the child out. And if it's like last time, I will be stapled up afterwards. Then, there is the part where I can't lift anything afterwards. Try explaining that to my two year old!! And the part where you can't drive for two weeks, and you shouldn't be doing much of anything for 4-6 weeks. It's tough to rely on others, but I won't have much of a choice. 

But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. In 4-6 weeks I can start running again. I have really missed this!! I love running. It's time when I can pop in my headphones and let the ipod take me away. I can think about things and clear my head, and improve my health, all at the same time. 

And of course, I haven't forgotten about the incredible little buddy that will be joining our family. So, although the surgery is maybe not my picture perfect idea of how a Friday should go, this time, I will get to see my baby right away, rather than simply in passing as he's whisked off to the NICU. My husband will be by my side and we'll get to welcome our new son into the world together. That will be so different and so wonderful!! So, as the countdown continues, I will remain both excited and a little nervous, but hey, it's mostly excited!!

2008... a year in review

So, I figure this is the time to celebrate 2008 and all the wonderful things it had to offer. I accomplished a few neat things that year, and watched my son do the same, so I will now highlight these. 

Cool things that Sharon managed to do in 2008...

-was a mentor, twice for team in training with the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society, helping new runners train for their first half or full marathon, and also raise money for a great cause. They all did fantastic!!

-finished Goofy's Race and A Half Challenge (ran a half marathon on the Saturday, and a full marathon on the Sunday... recovered faster than any other marathon!! and had a personal best time on the marathon, improving by more than half an hour)

-ran the Police Half Marathon in April 

-raised over $2000 and ran the Mother's Day Run in support of NICU (they are raising money for NICU again this year in case anyone wants to join us... run will be on May 10th)

-organized a team and ran the Banff Jasper Relay (super fun stuff, even saw bears, and had an incredible group of people to run with!!)

-completed the Ronald McDonald House Rock the House 5km (it was soooooo hot that day)

-finished the Disneyland Half Marathon on Labour Day Weekend, with only 18 seconds to spare (I was pregnant and running was making my heart rate go to high, so I had to walk most of it!!)

-finished the Ambulance Chasers 5km even if again, I had to walk most of it

-aside from running... managed to get myself pregnant and have successfully carried this child to 37 weeks (only 8 days until the surgery), dealt okay with the stresses it caused. It was a high risk pregnancy from the start since Sebastian was born at 28 weeks with unexplained illness that nearly took his life. Had many appointments and ultrasounds to ensure the same thing didn't happen this time around. 

-hiked to the upper falls at Johnston Canyon, with the dog, husband, baby and uncles as part of a camping trip

-got to visit with all sorts of family in Calgary, Medicine Hat, Lethbridge etc on different occasions, letting Sebastian get to know his grandparents, aunts, uncles and other family better

-went biking several times with Sebastian in his "wagon"

-got to know my half brother and sister better travelling to California with them, shopping in Beverly Hills, eating at some cool restaurants and playing at Disneyland

-got to meet Wolfgang Puck when dining at his restaurant in Beverly Hills

-started volunteering again with Family to Family connections at the Children's, in an effort to have a chance to help other parents in the NICU

-organized two groups to cook meals at Ronald McDonald House (super fun!!)

-attended 3 different weddings, watching people commit to each other, and in all the cases being so happy for the couples as they really seem to belong together

-watched some friends become parents for the first time, and others add to their families with new babies

And then there's the part where Sebastian excelled...

-he ran his first race, only a couple months after starting to walk (he took a long time to do this)

-he started talking and now speaks in sentences saying the most profound things, a huge accomplishment for someone who, in January at almost 2 years old, barely said or signed a few words

-he took his second swimming lessons and by the end was completely involved in the class and everything they did

-he ventured to Coffee and Scream and started interacting more with others (big deal since we had to keep him away from this sort of thing to keep him from getting sick)

-saw Sebastian have a lung infection, 6 ear infections, several colds and a throat infection (his preemieness sometimes is not that helpful in keeping him healthy), and going through puffers and antibiotics to get him well

-saw Sebastian go for surgery to fix inguinal hernias (actually hydroceals, but essentially the same thing)... it was so heart wrenching leaving him on the operating table in the OR after he fell asleep... but he came through with flying colours and the next day was back to being his old self again

-saw Sebastian's eating improve, then regress and lately improve a bit again. On New Year's Eve, he was gobbling up samosas, pakoras, butter chicken, naan, it was incredible!!

I'm sure there's tons of other things too, but that is what is coming to mind right now. It was a great year. Jeremy did great too, he finished several races (the Mother's Day 5km, the Ronald McDonald House 5km, The Ambulance Chasers 5km, and several of the 5 peaks races). He also finished and passed his first year of school as a plumbing apprentice, doing quite well in the process. He built shelves to house our cleaning products out of reach of our child, he built a small deck at the side of our house, he added a chalkboard wall to our hallway upstairs, and has done all sorts of stuff around the house like that. 

I'm excited for 2009. I have about 6 more weeks until I can start running again, and then I'll have to start picking some races for this year. I like having races to focus on, because it generally gets me out the door running, and gives me a little time just for me (which will be important since I'll be spending the majority of my days with two boys now!!). I'm also hoping to do a fundraiser for Ronald McDonald House to help get them another breast pump. It will be a large undertaking, as they cost about $3000, but it's a huge need they have, and one I understand very well (about a third of the people who stay at the house are parents of preemies from out of town, and thus are required to pump every three hours if they are wanting breastmilk for their babies, since the babies are too young/sick to take to breastfeeding right away). So, you'll likely hear more about this later in the year, when I figure out what I will do to raise the money. I also hope to volunteer more at the NICU unit and really get that group off the ground again. But the first big goal, is to bring our new little boy into this world, and that will be happening in a mere 8 days....